sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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