allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
