Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
