im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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