Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
