dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
