i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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