He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
