i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
