Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
