oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
