Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
