you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
