Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you would pick up someone in the library
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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