Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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