i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
