so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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