Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
