It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
