it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
