I should be sponsored by Trojan
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize