I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
