Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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