i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
