You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Randomize
