why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
