Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
