I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
