They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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