I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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