i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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