I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
