so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
