He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
