8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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