I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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