i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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