I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
