We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
