i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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