anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
