the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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