I want to have your abortion
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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