dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i think i just lost a toe
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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