You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
