My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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