Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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