I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
