Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
