Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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