Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Green mimosas i think yes
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Randomize
