watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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