I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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