I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
