Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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