at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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