I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
