I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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