Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
