If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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