You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
