He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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