I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
