i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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