Yo dont text me then not text me
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
