we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
