It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
