how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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