Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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