Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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