I wish I could teleport
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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