people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
