I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
