if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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