The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
