I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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