I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She even gives head with a lisp.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
